Tuesday, May 21
I’m on a real Celine Dion kick today. During “Power of Love,” I thought about how funny it would be if, during a one-night stand, I suddenly started screaming, “‘Cause I’m your laaaaddyyy!” Worth terrorizing a poor fellow over this bit?
Maybe. But I’ve never been into one-night stands.
Wednesday, May 22
I’m laying in bed. A weird clicking noise is keeping me awake. It sounds like it’s coming from inside my nose. Is the pressure changing? Is a storm coming? Am I the canary in the coal mine?
It’s the ceiling fan.
Thursday, May 23
Grace and I won the Writer’s Block competition. Afterward, we kept telling people we didn’t deserve it, that the other team’s sketch was actually better, and that we just won because we had more friends there.
The next day, we realized, fuck that. We deserved it.
Saturday, May 25
A cat bit me today. I put rubbing alcohol on it for a quick disinfect. I wondered why it’s called rubbing alcohol, so I read the directions. Apparently, people use it for massages. Heathens.
The cat bit me while I was dictating notes for the visit. It’s one of my favorite things that’s ever happened:
Monday, May 27
I’m never drinking again.
Tuesday, May 28
I had a dream last night that a giant red sea creature was trying to kill me by kneeing me in the back with its enormous red balls.
Wednesday, May 29
Went to the CBD store to buy my first bag of gummies.
Have you heard? I’m off alcohol.
I felt wholly unworthy of being in the store, and immediately word vomited on the clerk so I could get out as soon as possible. His voice sounded like his sinuses were at complete capacity.
I am the canary in the coal mine.
Thursday, May 30
Today is one of those days I am sad for no apparent reason.
Couldn’t sleep, so I started a new book. Something was throwing me off, like I couldn’t quite pay attention to what I was actually reading. A few pages in, I realized what it was: my inner narrator was shouting every word in an old Hollywood accent.
And here I thought the weed hadn’t kicked in.
Friday, May 31
My mom and I are going to Connecticut today. I’ve been telling everyone we’re going to New Jersey, because I thought we were going to New Jersey.
We are not going to New Jersey.
Our flight from Philly to New Haven was a very tiny plane. When we walked on, I got a glimpse of the cockpit. The co-pilot was looking at Instagram. His index finger was hovering over a picture of a model in an open suit jacket and not much else. I assume he was debating whether or not to double tap. I can’t decide if I appreciate his thoughtfulness, or am terrified of his inability to make quick decisions.
Saturday, June 1
Mom and I are having a retreat in Connecticut. I know where we are now because my mom drew me a map on her napkin at dinner.
We’ve been kayaking, reading, writing, eating, drinking and talking. I saw snails having sex. When I told my mom, she said had a video she wants to show me.
We watched Moonlight before bed.
I do not think this is the video she meant.
Sunday, June 2
Mom and I took the train to go see Mean Girls on Broadway. I always thought Broadway was a theater. It is a street.
The show was awesome. It’s true, I’m a sucker for musicals. But My Lord and Savior Andrew Lloyd Webber had nothing to do with this show, and still, I was smitten.
On the train back, a passenger next to us popped a bottle of champagne. The cork hit a girl in the head. She’s okay; they gave her a glass for her troubles.
Monday, June 3
My last full day in Connecticut, and I still have no idea how to spell Connecticut.
The water was too rough to kayak. Do sea gulls ever get sea sick?
Met family I’d never met before. It’s a shame I’m just now meeting them. My mom made dinner and I poured drinks. This is the role I will always assume.
After dinner, we sat outside and watched the tide come in. I climbed down on the rocks and examined all the nooks and crannies the low tide had left exposed. Lots of snails looking to get laid.
Tuesday, June 4
On my flight from New Haven to Philadelphia. I opened my pack of Wet Wipes to prepare my hands for snack time. I felt bad about the strong floral smell, until the woman next to me pulled a hard boiled egg out of Target bag.
Had to hurry to the bathroom between flights. I was in a rush, so I left my backpack on while I peed. It was probably one of the most freeing experiences I’ve had in a while. I saved so much time! How have I never thought to do this before?!