A Californian I Am Not

California is a nice place to live, if you happen to be a hippie.

Orange County in Southern California is a very beautiful place to spend early summer ~ the great weather, fabulous beaches, and fascinating countryside….. But any Englishman thinking of coming here for the very first time needs to know that SoCal is as different from the Shires as Wensleydale cheese is from the muck known as American cheese.

George Bernard Shaw once said that England and America are two countries separated by a common language.  This is manifestly true.  Californians do not know how to speak or understand English, even if Spanish is not their first language.  Certainly no Californian will ever understand English humour, irony, sarcasm, or know what real honesty is about.  Also Californians have a language of their own; WTF does ‘Jonesing’ mean?

There is popular movement that calls on us all to walk 10,000 steps a day.  Californians do not walk anywhere, unless they are a penniless bum.  A Californian will drive to the gym and then spend some time on the treadmill while listening to mindless music.

And, Californians are among the very worst drivers I have ever come across, possibly barring the French.  The two real downsides are #1 all Americans think they are good drivers, #2 in California the standard of driving worsens by age, sex, and ethnicity, (not how you’d think).

Californians even drive to and from what they are pleased to call a pub.  I’ve been in several pubs / sports bars here, and to any decent Englishman they are universally appalling.  Do Not think you will get a decent pint of beer here, they serve dross such as pineapple flavoured beer.  Americans are also pleased to sit at the bar and watch sports TV all night.  Do Not eat the food in any American  pub / sports bar.

Some Californian food is fabulous, you can get a wonderful steak and salad here.  On the other hand sushi is popular here, and so is serving nasty cheese with everything.  Do not try ‘Mexican’ food, it’s greasy muck with jalapeno.

Some say that California is the Golden State.  And that saying ‘have a nice day’ isn’t actually an insult.  All I know is that bikers, drop-outs, hippies, stoners, and surf bums do well here.

~

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

The beach bars are cool in California,

and some serve good food,

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