Bitter

When Rizq passed away in January I was surrounded by love
and support from almost everyone I knew. My family was amazing and my friends
from all over the world were sending me their love and prayers. I don’t think I
would have gotten through the first month had it not been for the warmth
embracing me; guiding my steps over shaky grounds.

By the second monthly anniversary marking his death I
started noticing how most people around me had started going back to their
normal lives. Somehow the death of the young neurosurgeon in Japan wasn’t as
agonizing as it had been for them a month ago. By three months it seemed as if the
accident never happened. Everyone’s life had bounced back; weddings, travels,
new pregnancies, summer plans … it was just me. Only my life had stopped; it
was my best friend and fiancé who had died, my wedding cancelled, and my future
snatched from me. Honestly, I felt bitter.

I’m not even ashamed to say that. It’s not that I wanted
unhappiness for those around me. It’s that I wanted to be happy too. Why was I
deprived of my happiness? Who does that to a bride to be; killing off her
fiancé before the wedding? I mean, what a horrible plot twist, who wrote this
script?

I started alienating everyone around me. I didn’t want to
hear about their happiness nor talk about my sadness. I chose silence. I think I
must have been hard to understand for those around me at first. One day I’m
bawling my eyes out and sharing memories of Rizq, the next I just respond that
I’m okay whenever asked on how I’m doing.

When I stopped talking and sharing with those around me, I
started to reflect more on myself. I was getting to know who I really was and
how I handle day to day matters. And though I feel lonely, I find peace in my
solitude. It’s less risky and this way I can depend solely on myself. My life does
not ever have to depend on someone else to carry on. I would trade this isolation
in a heartbeat for Rizq, but if it’s not Rizq then there’s no one I want to
share my life details with.

I don’t know how long this phase would last. It’s been a
month since I’ve retreated, and my family seems to be adjusting to this change.
People have stopped asking me how I feel because they’re tired of hearing that
I’m just okay. Perhaps when I chose solitude a tiny part of me had hoped that people
would understand that there is something wrong. They have all assumed the
contrary; that I’m healing alright.

I made new friendships with new people; people who didn’t
know me back when I was with Rizq. They just know the current, new me. It’s so
much less pressure around them because there are no expectations; they’re just
getting to know me. They weren’t there when Rizq died.

Despite my current content with my solitude I still wish I could
have my life back. I really wanted to marry Rizq this July and start our new
lives. I only wanted what most other women want; to marry the person they love
and start a family. Why was it so much for me to ask?

I don’t know if I can ever feel the same way about my family and friends. I am forever grateful for the love they showered me with in the time I most needed it. I’m just not sure I can share this love or any love back.

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