Forever-after & Forever-ago…

I’m walking this morning… I just walk… I don’t have anywhere particular I am heading. But there is a certain solace in not really caring where I wind up… all of these roads lead back to there I started anyway. When you lose a loved one its often moments like these where your biggest reflection on time occurs, these moments where you scrape the barrel for something to get you out of autopilot as you coast along feeling empty. Its these times you get perspective on just how small we all really are in this huge world. The clouds over Sydney today reflect how I (and many others touched by the grace of such a wholesome woman) feel. They are dark and patchy and as I walk along small shards of light pierce through the clouds as they whirl by overhead. 

These glimmers of light for me where just what she stood for, they were the same light, love and sincerity she showed me each and every time I spent time with her. I would often come up from underground, covered head to toe in mud, exhausted and feeling deflated as I pushed through all of the harsh realities of working in a place like that. She would sweep me up off the floor, sit me down and make me cup of tea…you see… even when she started to feel unwell…being whatever she needed to be to help others was what she wanted in life. What a blessing to have someone in my life to have done that for me, where would I be today without her? Probably in the same place, but far colder and more weathered than what she let me feel.  

There are a few things in life i have learned as i have grown. I am nothing special, of this i am sure. I have common thoughts and feelings and hope to lead a less common life. To date I have no monuments dedicated to me and perhaps one day the world will forget my name. But…what I know is that if I lead a life where I can show even close to the amount of compassion this woman shared, I would die happily feeling like none of the great achievements man strives for mattered. She is a wife and mother… really she was mother many of us who weren’t blessed to have the ability to call on their mother for a shoulder to lean on. My heart aches for her family, if it hurts this much for only a glimpse of the peace she brought to my life, I couldn’t fathom what a life time of loss would feel like. I don’t think we were ever supposed to understand the way things happen in this life, sometimes… you just need to have faith that there is something more to it all when you lose something so dear to you. 

You see… wishing that these moments (all the sadness) could be wiped away would also bring about a loss of pure joy of spending time with that person and cherishing them. The harsh reality is with the comeuppance of darkness is, its only dark because there was so much light before it arrived. I take learning’s from her… from this whole story. All of the big things in life, they are nice to have, but gosh what pleasure it would be to know how dearly you were loved right till the end. 

This afternoon… I will go home and plant a tree… this tree like the strength she instilled in so many of us will remind me to gather strength from my deepest roots whenever I need it. 

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