Survivalist Consumer, stardate 867.53.
In spite of my previous assumption, spending several weeks and using my own intuition has not brought me any closer to understanding how to calculate star dates. A small voice in my head suggests that I may need to actually see the stars. It also suggested a modern remake of the show Allegra’s Window. I am stuck in a place where no light can enter, no hope can escape, and all who enter are destined to perish. Future historians will refer to it as Little Caesars.
I have no clue how long I have been in the abandoned underground Little Caesars pizza located scenically beneath an evidently functioning Little Caesars pizza on Business Drive in Sheboygan Wisconsin. Evidently I have been here long enough for the chain to start and finish a promotional pizza line, although I can’t be too certain if I’m not just hallucinating that the store operating just fifty feet above my head was selling a deep dish Chunky Beef Stew pizza with accompanying strawberry cheesecake garlic bread.
My hope was that the subtle clues published along with these last two reviews would give my coworkers at Shameless Consumer Industries an idea as to where they can find me. I suppose I could bang on this pipe that seems to lead right up to the serving counter, but do I dare attract the attention of the people above? What if they are all post-apocalyptic mutants and that Little Caesars is specializing in non-irradiated human flesh? My god, I’d be the most delicious thing ever served here.
Perhaps nothing is left of SCI in this post-apocalyptic wasteland. Maybe now it’s time that someone explain what SCI does as a company. That person won’t be me, as I am fairly certain that even a very localized nuclear apocalypse on Business Drive in Sheboygan Wisconsin (wink) won’t stop our lawyers from enforcing a non-disclosure agreement.
I suppose I should be eating breakfast. It is the most important meal of the day even if I can’t tell what time of day it is. And what better than the apple cinnamon cereal in my Wise box? You may be thinking to yourself, “self, this looks a lot like apple cinnamon oatmeal.” And you would be correct, or partially correct. This is a six grain mix of hard red winter wheat, soft white wheat, barley, rye, and rolled oats. The grain mix basically serves as a conduit for the brown sugar and cinnamon. It might not surprise you to learn that the apple pieces are nearly nonexistent and not of great quality. I haven’t had instant oatmeal since Farina brand farina was a thing, but I remember those apple pieces being more edible.
Ultimately this product seems…pointless. Unlike our creamy veg rotini which serves a purpose, that being taking a comparatively more complicated dish that you might not have on hand and turning it into a meal that can be eaten while hiding out specifically at an underground Little Caesars after the bomb drops. The same goes for the southwest rice and beans, and arguably even the whey milk and chicken noodle soup (although the canned variety is much easier and cheaper to stock).
Oatmeal and multi-grain cereal (as well as brown sugar) is already among the cheapest food stuffs you can find on the market and if you keep it dry it will last just as long as these MREs. It also cooks the same way, so there’s nothing that this product adds to the table.
The Wise Apple Cinnamon Cereal isn’t awful, but it isn’t that good either. It is healthy, as each serving (there are four) contains 28% of your daily requirement of fiber, allowing you to poop out that creamy veg rotini that has been neither digesting nor processing through your system for the past few weeks. I think I’m going to skip reviewing the brown sugar maple multi-grain cereal, since a glance at the ingredient list suggests that it’s virtually the same thing.
Wise is a great food company, since their meal kit has managed to clog up my system to the point where the 72 hour package has lasted me around two and a half weeks, and I still have half of it left. I will admit though that the isolation and lack of access to the outside world has had me thinking of eating something that I never thought I’d consider eating in a Little Caesars pizzeria. There are numerous rats that I’ve seen scurrying about down here, which means that they must be finding food somewhere. I’m pretty sure they’re not cooking hot and ready deep dish pepperoni pizzas because the abandoned ingredients remain untouched as does the giant pizza oven. I hope someone finds me before my meal kit runs out and I’m forced to the drastic, unthinkable act of oven baking those rats.
Which would still be more nutritious than eating Little Caesars.
Verdict: 1.5/5 – Watery cereal with a lot of sugar and probably more expensive and cumbersome than just getting a big bag of multi-grain cereal at WalMart.