Blame Me : Part two

Was it all my fault? Did I actually drive him away or was he tired of pretending? “What exactly happened between y’all”? That’s been the question I get asked most throughout my divorce. Let me go through everything, from the beginning..

For me, it had started the second I got pregnant. Of course I didn’t know I was pregnant at that very moment. I couldn’t stand to be around him, I was clingy but at the same time he made want to throw him through a wall. I was mad and upset at the fact that he didn’t want me to go to his our son’s birthday party. My step-son was turning seven and everyone was going to be there. I hadn’t been able to go to the previous parties for other reasons but this one, I could have gone to. Well, my husband decided that it’d be best for my mental state for me to stay home and we could celebrate seperately with him later that week when he stayed with us. It never happened.

The night before the party, I lost it. We had been drinking and I told him that I could kick him out right then and there with his kids. I told him I didn’t need him. Things I’d said before. Things I’d promised not to say, yes I have anger problems. No I don’t think I was right in anyway and as I came back from my anger I realized I was wrong. I’m reckless with my tongue when I’m angry. I aim to destroy you, I am ruthless and I don’t care. Self preservation. The things I said were damaging and triggering, it was uncalled for it wasn’t something I could take back instantly and everything would be okay.

However, we continued to talk. I took a step back and evaluated myself. I apologized, I know when I’m wrong and I take full responsibility for my actions when they are wrong. The next day was the end of our marriage we just pretended it wasn’t. He left for work that morning angry and didn’t tell me goodbye and as he left he told his mother, who was visiting, what had happened and asked her to speak to me. I had told him before I didn’t like that he always brought his mother into our arguments. I’d told him I didn’t think it was helpful. Since I am so self sufficient I got up, got ready and left, I had spent the last three years making sure he was okay, emotionally, physically and financially. He had been my main priority since meeting him. I had been there from the beginning when he was struggling to find a job to getting him a new car because his had run it’s course. I treated myself to getting my nails done and shopping. Mid-day he came home, picked up the gifts I had gotten his son and left.

He got home way past the time he told me he’d be there and came home with ammo. “You never let me go out with my friends, I have to come straight home and spend my time with you or else you get angry”. I was dumbfounded. “The way you stormed out of the house after my mother tried to talk to you was so disrespectful, good thing you apologized. She gained so much respect for you.” I looked at him like I didn’t know who I was talking to. I began by telling him that I had no problem with him seeing his friends. However, it wasn’t enough I asked, are you saying you want to go right now? His response was ” I don’t know, will you be mad”? I couldn’t handle it, I told him to go as I started crying. Not as a ploy to get him to stay but because I wanted to be home with my husband who I hadn’t seen all day and discuss our awful argument from the night before. But he had come home ready to fight about everything else, so I let him go and blow off steam.

He went on his way and as I laid in bed I realized I could no longer live my life walking on eggshells. I realized that I couldn’t continue to feel like his side piece when I was his wife. I sent him a message detailing my current mental state and I told him I was finished fighting, I had been fighting for him since I met him and it was just too much for me. He didn’t hear me. My final plea to him was ignored and instead he replied with anger. When he got home late that night I was asleep, and in the morning I simply asked if he’d be moving out or if I needed to.

A few days later, after both of us were cooled off, we talked. We laid out how we felt, we agreed to try and fix our marriage while taking time apart. I had my anger issues to work on and he need time to get over the things I’d said. But things only got uglier, I found out a week later that I was pregnant. Which made me realize I’d been crying so easily because of the hormones I didn’t know were coursing through my body.

Well, I started to beg him to come home. I felt that it’d be easier to work on interacting with each other that way. It was useless, he felt I was terrorizing him with my pregnancy and I really may have been I’m not sure. However, I do know that he was simply enjoying not having me around. He was going out every night with his buddies. He was getting drunk and not worrying about responsibilities like I always was. I was upset, I wasn’t okay with the fact that my husband was so easily removed from his life with me. I let my tongue slip again. “I’ll let you live your life and have your freedom. Please sign over your rights to our child so I don’t have to deal with you for the rest of my life.” Yes, I’m pretty awful for saying that but in the moment all I wanted was to never see him again. My heart was in pieces, my husband the man I gave my life to was gone. The loving and caring man he had pretended to be for the past three years had disappeared.

Again things were said on both sides that shouldn’t have been and we took a step back. We cooled off and came back to an agreement that he was taking his space whether I liked it or not and he wasn’t coming back any time soon. I was devastated but I agreed. Until I needed him. Until I felt myself falling into a bad place and I called him to help me through. Except he wasn’t there, he had never been when I needed him most. I was falling apart, I just wanted to feel safe and protected for five minutes but he couldn’t even answer my phone calls. That was the day I stopped fighting. That was the day I quit on my marriage, even though it was over before it started.

This is my side of the story. These are the things I did that were wrong. No, I didn’t add all of his mistakes even though he says its all I ever did when we were together. I didn’t put in there how he told me to get an abortion because it’d be better. I didn’t add how he continued to play with my head so I’d continue to pay for his car. I didn’t add how he’d act like we were okay just to get sex. I didn’t add all the gas-lighting and mind games he would play. I’m not here to point fingers. I just need to be able to breathe.

I’m not saying he’s a terrible human. I’d never say that, but he did hurt me and he knew who I was when he married me. At the end of the day, he got tired of trying to change me into the skanky, promiscuous girl he wanted me to be. I just wasn’t good enough for what he wanted.

I’m picking my life up piece by piece and everyday it gets harder and harder. Every week it seems I learn something new about the man that I was married to and he tells me he doesn’t love me anymore. Well if I’m being honest I don’t believe he ever did…

x

E

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