Stupid Fat Fingers

I finally got a few days to get away for a couple rounds of golf with some close friends. It has been about a year since I did something like this. I got there last the first night so had to play catch up on the drinking. I did a pretty solid job. We had a really early tee time at a club we had no business being on. The membership is very exclusive and I needed to call in a few favors to get out there. I woke up that morning excited for the days round and lunch on the water. I looked at my phone to check the time and I saw her face. I had written her a message the night before and never sent it. I deleted it and started my day. The golf was great. I won my match and a few bucks but more importantly bragging rights. She was heavy on my mind the entire time. We bar hopped a bit, went home to change, and headed back into downtown for more bar hopping. Things got a little foggy that night. I laughed all night til my sides ached. She was with me the whole time in my head. I woke the next morning dehydrated, tired, maybe still drunk, and ready to do it all again. I checked the time on my phone and sure enough, her face greeted me again. Another similar message I never sent. Wash, rinse, repeat… I deleted it. We played another really nice course. I started my round with a Bloody Mary around 8:30 am. We were all a bit shaky until the vodka started sinking in. Another great day. I won my match again, a few more dollars, and bragging rights until next year. I saw her face everywhere. The beer cart girl. The bartender. The girl at the English pub in Newport. The girl on the boat going by in the river. We stayed in that night and played cards and moved off the beers to bourbon. I slept up in the loft area of the house overlooking the salt pond across the street. I sat staring at the shimmering moonlight on the water and wondered what she was doing at that moment. I wrote another message. I swiped to delete it before I shut off my phone. I woke up with the sun since the loft is high enough up to see the sunrise on one side and the sunset on the other. I checked the time: 6am. I saw her face and panic rippled through my body. My stupid fat fucking fingers didn’t delete my message the night before. They sent the message!!! Fudge! I deleted the message then and all that was left to do was hope it was sent late enough she didn’t see it and early enough that I deleted it before she got up. I never want to intrude in her life again. I caused enough problems for her the past few years. That doesn’t change how I feel for her or how I think about her.

I got back to my life later that day and reality sunk in. Kid tantrums and kids fighting and me watching my life as an outsider. The calendar is jammed with sports, therapy with my mini, therapy for me, school field trips, and the list goes on and on. Progress is being made in therapy. I said things this week that lifted my spirit. I heard feedback that gave me hope. I am going to try yoga this week at my therapists behest. There is a class that is specifically tailored to first responders and military personnel dealing with PTSD. The instructor is retired from both the military and the fire service. This will be interesting.

I caught up on yard work yesterday and listened to a lot of music being outside for four hours. The songs kept bringing her back to my thoughts. Mowing the lawn:

“Do you know the sound of a closing door?
Have you heard that sound somewhere before?
Do you wonder if she knows you anymore?
I wrapped your love around me like a chain
But I never was afraid that it would die
You can dance in a hurricane
But only if you’re standing in the eye”
Brandi Carlisle “The Eye”
Chainsaw play on a tree downed in the yard:
“And you and I both know that the ghost is me
You used to catch me in your bed-sheets just a-rattling your chains
Well back then baby, it didn’t seem so strange
You used to bite, I used to moan
But now I’m mumbling and you choke
Well I ain’t so scary on my own
Tell me honey, what’s a dagger without a cloak?
Well I don’t know”
Shaky Graves “Dearly Departed”
Planting the vegetables and flowers:
“You know it ain’t easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There are no words to describe it
In French or in English
‘Cause diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I’m telling you
That these feelings won’t go away
They’ve been knockin’ me sideways
They’ve been knockin’ me out lately”
Citizen Cope “Sideways”
I think the hardest part of it all is knowing I probably will not see her again. I don’t go to the Cape anymore. I don’t go to Boston. She has no reason to ever come to CT. These paths won’t cross. That is not easy to grasp. It’s like trying to get your head around the blackness and unkowing of death. It doesn’t compute for me. I know the love I still feel for her is not going anywhere. I used to feel that somehow, some way she would be a part of my life. I just didn’t see it as her always walking with me in my thoughts and laying with me in my dreams. Electricity like that can’t be destroyed. I’m proof of that.

Leave a Reply