Blurrrghh…my name is Labrador Kent. All day long I think, “Dog dog dog. Eat eat eat. Dog dog dog.”
I thought I could maintain my blissful ignorance. Joke was on me.
Enter Irma Horfendorff: my human caretaker.
I used to be nice. Never even swore. But this crazy-ass bitch is pushing the boundaries—always telling me to calm down and stop humping legs. I’m a DOG, goddammit!
“KENT!” she thunders as I withdraw my wiener from the next-door neighbor’s tight-ass chihuahua. “THAT is IT! You are getting NEUTERED!”
Oh FUCK—bitch lost her marbles! I tear across the suburbs, my doggy eyes wide with panic. She wants my fucking nuts, and not in a good way!
I chance a quick look back. Irma’s pursuing me in her PT Cruiser. I pick up the pace, but to no avail; the sound of the engine draws ever closer.
Then Rowfus Roofus, my best buddy and Terrier Extraordinaire, tosses me an eReader. I catch it between my teeth and open it to Echo with a jerk of my head, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Hard-light constructs section across me. Blazing plates connect and snap, ensconcing me in a sheath of translucent canine armor. A cool-ass helmet materializes around my skull. At first it’s comprised of glowing wireframe, then color spills across it and locks it into reality. The last thing that forms is a dog-o-rific techno-monocle that snaps down over my right eye. Its transparent lens superimposes a mess of targeting data onto my vision.
I turn around and face my pursuer. Irma breaks and comes to a sudden stop. She shifts into park and emerges from the door, her eyes wide with wonder and awe.
“Holy…” her mouth works soundlessly.
“Roof arf McBARK!” I snarl. (My nuts are MINE! Back the FUCK off!)
And before she can reply, my shoulder-mounted cannon fires a glowing orb right at her car. The Cruiser flies a hundred yards back before it explodes in a spectacular mess. Irma falls on her butt, gasping in terror.
HEH heh heh! Don’t fuck with robo-dog Kent!
I turn around and sprint down the street. Look out cats—I’m coming for you next! Mwahaha!
Are you a freewheeling Labrador who’s in danger of being castrated by a cold, unfeeling human? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! ?? ?? ??
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